you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
