did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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