im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
