Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
