dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's blow job season.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
