I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
