Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
