I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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