My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
