just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
