At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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