i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
