The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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