Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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