you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
