I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think i have two assholes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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