You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
