i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
