My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
