he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
