OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
