I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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