I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
