can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
