i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
