No stitches, just platelets and will power
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
