her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
