I think my fart just growled at me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
