Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
