How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
