I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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