Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
