Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
