No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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