How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
