Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
