Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
