Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
