You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
