shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
