He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
