just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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