why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
