i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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