The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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