I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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