I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
