im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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