I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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