i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
