WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
