I faked an abortion last night.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
